I have always been fascinated with writers and how they are able to come up with such a variety of interesting topics and continually and consistently pump those ideas out in a way where the critics don’t collectively bombard websites and newspapers with reviews that usually contain the words “rat’s ass” somewhere. As I go about my day, I am always trying to think of various topics that I could not only write about in an entertaining way but also some that you, the reader, would enjoy reading. Some writers use their family and friends for inspiration, others find inspiration out of a bottle or a line of cocaine, while I find inspiration in the shower (not weird). When these inspirations strike, I try to sort them into two categories: writable and blacklisted. If an idea is blacklisted, it obviously means that I refuse to write about them because it just isn’t fun to read. Two of these blacklisted topics include preaching my personal religious/political ideologies and ranting endlessly about subjects/corporations that really piss me off, but regarding the latter, umm…one time exception.

That’s right, that is the well-known Midwestern grocery store chain known as HyVee. People that know me well, know exactly how much I loathe this corporation however, may not know exactly why. So gentle reader, I will begin this story with cunning rhetoric and powerful prose.

F*** HyVee.

Ok, so far so good.

Prior to the fall of 2011, I was just a simple ordinary citizen and a member of a society that’s sole purpose is to enlighten the minds of young people and grace them with knowledge that is suppose to help in one’s career.

Anyway, I was there and needed extra cash in order to pursue my interests: base jumping, orgy inspector, competitive camel racing etc. (just to name a few) therefore, I got a part time job working as a vendor for a soft drink company. My job was to go into a variety of grocery stores and stock the shelves with our product. The job couldn’t be simpler. Now, in the twenty odd years I’ve existed, I’ve only known one side of the consumer goods distribution business: the side of the…well consumer. The grocery store was a place where I buy the products I need to live.

Since the consumer only knows about 20% or so of the industry, some aspects that were waiting for me behind the curtains of these stores was completely eye opening but most wasn’t all that surprising. I walk through the doors that have the “Employees Only” loosely affixed to them and find my specific product, dig through what I don’t need to find the items I do need, place it on the shelf and walk out of the store. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Most stores organize their stockrooms in such a way that only the employees know where the hell anything is. That’s cool, I was once told by a manager that if a thief came into the back room he wouldn’t know where to find the expensive items (he told me this while standing directly in front of a floor to ceiling shelf of HDTVs and Apple laptops). When it comes to this system, every store is the same…except HyVee.

F*** HyVee.

Have you ever had to pack for a month long vacation using only a carry-on size piece of luggage to put all of your stuff in? If you haven’t, you would logically assume that you couldn’t get everything you needed in that bag so some of it had to be left behind. You know why you think that? Because you are a logical human being and not a moron.

Now imagine that you walk into a building and that building is your piece of luggage. Except a logical and rational human being didn’t pack it, the antiSpock did. This means that there is crap everywhere. Your toothpaste is oozing onto your priceless Fabergé underwear (that’s a thing, right?) and your shampoo is causing a nice white stain on your “I’m getting lucky” wig. It’s utter anarchy! That, my friends, is what is lurking just behind those big black doors that take you from the frozen food section into the “bottomless pit where sanity dies” backroom at your local HyVee.

The management specifically builds their stores this way in order to prevent the store from having excess product in storage. Their idea is that if there’s less space, the food can go straight from the truck to their customers thus keeping products as fresh as possible. Sounds nice. Except deliveries weren’t changed. Sales floor space wasn’t expanded and customers didn’t buy any less. So instead of getting fresher products to the consumers, they had to keep the same amount of product in a smaller space because demand is so high.

How does this fit in with my job? Well, all of our product is located in the backroom of these stores and when space is extremely tight, me (and other vendors) have to stack pallets worth of product to the rafters (no exaggeration) in order to fit everything within our designated “section” of space. This has resulted in everything from low efficiency of the workers to hundreds of 2 liter bottles falling and exploding (my experience) on my coworker who had his toe broken.

Lets recap. We have excruciating small storage spaces and an excess of inventory. “But,” you say, “at least the employees are nice and helpful!”

Yes the employees that most customers talk to are very helpful…on the sales floor. I’ve met many of their low level, run of the mill employees during my time and they are the nicest and friendliest people to ever work a grocery store (I’m at Walmart all the time so my bar is painfully low). The problem occurs when one climbs the hierarchy, namely managers. I’m required to check in with the backroom managers and each store, so it makes sense that they would get comfortable with me being there. As their name implies, they are responsible for the activity that goes on in their storeroom and makes sure everything is properly stored, stocked and easy to navigate. On several occasions (while I’m crawling and squeezing myself through cracks to get to the product I’m responsible for) these managers, at the request of a customer, have asked me if I knew where some of their grocery items were. They typically ask: “Have you seen X product around here somewhere?” I usually respond with a blank stare so they know exactly how ridiculous that question is to a person who is only in the store for an hour, once or twice a week. They proceed to ask other managers until they give up and tell the customer who was looking for a product that they are currently sold out. I believe “incompetence” is the proper word to describe this scenario.

It’s a pretty common saying in the corporate world that one gets promoted to his/her highest level of incompetency. I could not possibly find a better example of a corporation that does than HyVee.

But you know what? forget everything I just said. At least their employees wear ties.

Note: This does not conflict with my opening paragraph and my blacklist because this article did, in fact, end.
Notier: Please don’t sue me HyVee.